It Don't Do No Good To Get Angry

I went to the grocery yesterday to get some Epsom Salts and canned food for Comby...and I left my billfold at home.  I pulled out my car wash change stash and it looked like I had a little over $5.00.  Surely I could make that work.

Epsom Salts were more expensive than I thought, almost $5.00.  I added one can of cat food and headed to the cashier, hoping for the best.  "That will be $5.58, please."  Yikes, I might not have that much and I started counting, preparing to put the cat food back.  I had exactly, to the penny, $5.58.

"Someone was looking out for you!"  Things like that happen to me frequently enough that while I have no actual idea how the universe works, I do feel like there could be "guardian angels" and usually I take a deep breath and say "Thank you."

That was not what I was saying as I walked out to my car.  I felt like I was going to explode.  In my head I was yelling "You can count (blankety) change, but you can't watch out for a sweet little lamb?!?  I don't care about the (blankety) money!"  And I felt like an asshole.

Of course Auntie Reg got the brunt of all of this and the pretty well incoherent angry sobs of not only the meanness of the loss of Early on top of Abby, but of all those weeks of more great pictures and videos that I can no longer bear to look at and how I don't remember...anything?...anymore about Abby and I already can no longer "see" Early out in the yard or in the barn with Willard and Cheeto  and all the people all over who who were now as heartbroken as me and how much extra I hurt for each person as I read so many kind, but sad words and maybe I shouldn't have posted so much and drug everyone in and then I said something about well maybe everyone else could still go back and look at the pictures and they wouldn't all have been for nothing...and as I was saying those words to Reg, amyfibre was typing "We will hold on to all the good memories for you until you can bear them again."

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So my guardian angel, who, honestly, probably feels as bad as we do, couldn't save Early...but can count change...and send me an "Equinox Community of friends" who can all "sit with you on the porch, as the tears run down our cheeks. Imagining fetching you another beverage, patting a dog, looking out at the martins flying and the sheep grazing and the horses napping..."

I can't bear to look, but Early's probably out in the middle of the yard.  Or if he's not there, you might find him under the pine tree eating brambles.  Or checking on his chickens.  Maybe he's taking a nap with Cheeto or butting heads with Willard looking to see what he's eating.  Maybe he's strutting down the hill to go graze with the big boys or standing at the gate talking to the horses.  Maybe you'll get lucky and see him racing, leaping, skipping and spinning up the road.  And maybe one day I'll get brave enough to go back and watch the video of him jumping into the back of the car.  He was a wonder.

You can gaze out the window get mad and get madder,Throw your hands in the air, say "; What does it matter?";But it don't do no good to get angry,So help me I know.    

John Prine